4 more months. Hang in there, dear self.

I should have just kept my mouth shut. Let the feeling go. Pretend like I always do.

But we talked about it. We talked about sharing everything.

Everytime I share and be honest, I'll be at fault. Why do I have to be guilty every time I share?

Why does it always have to be my fault when I share? Why do I have to be treated like I cheated in this relationship just because I shared late? Why do I have to be blamed for being comfortable showing who I am and how I'm feeling to someone I love? Why does it become a mistake when I don't pretend in front of the one I love? Am i supposed to pretend when I'm with you too?

The news about aunt's condition came at the wrong time. My eyes has been like a broken tap the whole morning yesterday. Was trying to hold it all in at work. Then Older Aunt called, crying. My heart sank and tears just wouldn't stop flowing. Went straight to aunt's house and as soon as I saw her, I knew I needed Love at that very moment.

Been getting half-hearted replies since then. I need my Love back, the one who'd hug and kiss me till I feel better, the one who would keep telling me it's gonna be alright. I really need you right now.

I'm pulling away this time. Not because my feelings changed. But because I have to take care of my own heart. Cause if I don't, no one else will. I'll break. From the inside.

I tried to help but it turned into a mistake made instead. Guess it wasn't needed in the first place.

I changed. There'd be a reason if I did.

Guess I'm no longer important  now that you have everyone.

It's suffocating to not be able to talk to you but this time, I have to think of myself first.

I'm hurt. Just like how you're aching everywhere and it's affecting your training, I'm aching too. My heart, and it's affecting me.

Love is back!

Love is back today! I kept thinking he'll be back on Thursday cause I remembered seeing Thursday somewhere.

I don't know if it was because I was feeling upset but I didn't feel like fetching him. Asked him last night if he wants me to fetch and he said no so I thought of not fetching. Then he texted and asked if I wanted to have coffee together cause he's not planning to go out on Thursday. I thought of just meeting him on Friday instead but I missed him a lot. He didn't tell me the flight details so I had to check everything myself. Left the office at 4 thinking his flight will land at 4.40pm but they landed slightly earlier so I ended up taking the cab cause I don't want to be late. I got more upset when Love didn't tell me he landed. Had to depend on the app and Casper texted when they've landed. He asked if I'm coming to fetch and if I am, I should be on my way soon cause they're at the customs.

As much as I wanted to tell Love off, but I didn't want to start as soon as he comes back. I feel bad cause I think my face shows I'm unhappy and it was awkward. He didn't introduce me to his friends so I felt even more awkward. Didn't want to look like I'm unfriendly but I was seriously feeling awkward, like "should i go introduce myself?" "do i say hi?" "do they know I'm his girlfriend?". Stood further away instead of near the customs exit while waiting for Love cause I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable.

Had "tea break" at Starbucks. It's been a while. He got over excited talking about his trip but it felt good to have him sitting in front of me again. <3 3="" p="">

Pamper Me session.

Off Day today. Decided to have a little pampering session by myself for myself.

Wanted to go to the Onsen place at Kallang but I can't cause it's that month.. plus it's quite costly.. Been weighing the prices of different spas..

Started thr day with site recce at the library for something exciting.. Then went for a full body massage which felt amazing! The masseuse was friendly and nice. Kept asking if I'm okay cause I kept twitching whenever she presses on my ticklish spots. It felt so good that I wanted to fall asleep!

Went for an impromptu Mani + Pedicure nearby. Didn't thought of it until the masseuse massaged my hands so yeaa I went. Picked a more neutral colour for my nails instead of my usual dark colours. Figured if I'm gonna pamper myself, I might as well do it all.. The past few days have been really bad for me so I should give myself a break!

Gonna continue my day colouring. Wanted to sit at the cafe but it's now nearing peak hours. I dont want to be around anyone.

I'm tired showing I'm okay when I'm slowly dying inside.

Unimportant.

These days have been crazy.

Nothing changed at home. I still refuse to talk to anyone. I don't see the point of talking anymore because nothing will change.

Hadi sent me a long text the other while I was out. About how I'm giving an attitude, how mum has been tearing up, how dad has been worried. But one thing tho, he didn't ask how am I. He mentioned everything about how I'm giving an attitude, not talking, ignoring everyone. Nobody asked how I'm feeling. That's how not important I am to them. I feel bad for ignoring everyone but I feel worst knowing I don't mean anything to everyone. Perhaps I've been hiding my feelings for too long.

Sadly, I feel unimportant to Love too. I guess I really am not in his priority list. If I really am, and if he really misses me then wouldn't he at least text me whenever he can, at least just to ask if I've eaten, or ask how am I doing? I can't always be staying up all night waiting for him to video call me. There's nothing much I can say or share either cause he'll be sharing about his day and either I'm too sleepy or he's rushing to hear me out. I mean, video call is one thing but that doesn't mean there's no need for texts. I hate getting blue ticks! and ignored the whole day and the excuse? He's has a tough day or busy day. If he has time to update his ig story and his last seen is always a few minutes before then he should have time to text me right? What am I to him exactly?

And whatever I say, at the end of the day, I'll be at fault. At the end of the day, I'll be the one blamed. Family, Love and work.

I'm not a robot.

Sleepless night.

Stayed up all night cause I couldn't sleep last night. My mind just won't shut down. Got hungry in the middle of the night. The last thing I had yesterday was the fishballs from Old Chang Kee. Didn't really felt like eating anything the whole day.

Continued coloring while texting with Love. There are many things I want to share with him but I hate how he takes a long time to reply even though he seems to be on Whatsapp regularly but I only keep getting blue ticks. I don't even want to check his last seen already cause it just makes me feel so down to see his last seen but I only get silence from him.

Casper texted too. Asked if I'm missing my boyfriend and whether we've been contacting. He wanted to scold Love if he didn't contact me. LOL! He even offered to pay for my flight to go over this weekend. I thought he was kidding until he told me to buy the tickets and wanted to send his credit card details!

Anyways, yes Love has been calling me these days. Video call! Even tho some were just short calls but at least I still get to see him.

speaking of which, he video called for a while before he went to bed at 5+ just now. It always makes me happy to see him. As usual, he went on about how his day was and all. Guess I don't really have to worry about him much (But face it, I can't. I'm constantly worried and always thinking about him all day).

Not sure how I'm gonna survive work today so Good Luck to me!

Are you okay?

No.

Everything is not ok.

"What's wrong with you?" Everything.

"Asal bad mood?" Would you even LISTEN if I share with you?

"Asal tak baik baik?"

Would you care if I tell you I've been crying everyday?

Would you care if I say I'm not okay?

Would you care if I say I'm hurt?

OVER-SENSITIVE. PMS.

That's all everyone says. Fine then.

I went through depression on my own before. I've always been going through everything on my own anyways. I'm always that "cheerful" girl to everyone. No one really bothers to dig deep enough that's why I'm always hiding behind my smile.

I'm tired.

😁

Love video called! 😆 It feels so good just to see him.. Was worried about how bad i looked, with red and puffy eyes, messy hair but forgot all about it as soon as I saw the incoming video call from him.. Perfect timing.. ❤

Time to get some sleep now. Goodnight!

Ohana what?

I hate it when I feel like I don't belong in this family. I feel like I'm being outcasted. Unimportant.. Come to think of it, I am unimportant to everyone around me. I'm no one's top priority anyways. Hadi is back, Alhamdulillah. But I don't feel like being home anymore. Everything's about everyone else except me.

Went out for dinner with the fam eventho I was still not feeling so good. Been coughing none stop, my throat is sore like mad and been constipated for God knows how many days. Mum knows very well that I'm not okay. She cooked ayam masak merah last night for dinner, btw.

That's the thing. When kakak is sick, she'll bring her to the clinic and cook soups, porridge, make tea, etc. When Hadi is sick, she does the same too. When Hadi woke up in the middle of the night complaining of chest pains, Mum got straight up, woke dad up and die die wanted to go A&E. The result, nothing serious. He was just coughing a lot which leads to the chest feeling uncomfortable. When I woke up in the middle of the night, complained of chest pains all she said was "pakai puff and sapu vicks" and went back to sleep. When I woke up in the middle of the night coughing my lungs out none stop, she texted "minum air suam. da sapu vicks?" A while later I heard her snoring. Never once have she brought me to the clinic when I was having asthma. I had to walk, breathless, on my own to the polyclinic.

Tonight, we went out to eat at Enak Enak. Dad's been wanting to eat siput sedut since last week. While ordering food, everyone chose a dish. I asked if we could order steam fish instead of sambal pari cause all the other dishes are spicy and my throat is really sore. The first thing she said was "huh mahal kan?" I clearly said my throat is in pain and I want something soft and warm. Fine. I gave in and told them to just order whatever. Dad prolly noticed how pissed I was so he kept asking me to choose vegetables so I can eat. But I can't only be eating vegetables obviously. But that's all I had. Cause everything else was spicy. I swear if I had brought my wallet along I'd have gone berserk and left. Mum was saying about how the steam fish is "expensive" (it was the same price as the pari btw but since Hadi wants it so they ordered that.) and when we were finishing, Hadi wanted to order Udang bakar which was $2 per piece. And we're not talking about those big tiger prawns, The prawns were skinny and small! Favourtism alert! So guess who's gonna stay away from home the next few days.

I was super pissed to the point of tearing up while eating. How full can I get eating just veggies? My protein today is already so low.

Feeling like shit right now.


I really wish I could talk to Love. He's been quiet since afternoon. As much as I want to text him, I don't want him to feel like I'm not giving him space. And I don't want to be ranting when he's so far away. But I really wish he's here now. At least that would make me feel a little better.

Video Call!

Got a surprise video call from Love! No, he haven't fly off yet. He was having his beef pie when he video called! I couldn't contain my smile. Had to call him back to cause I didnt manage to answer on time..

The call lasted for about 1/2 hour but it made me feel so good. I feel bad not sending him off at the airport but I can't. Partly because I'm really bad at goodbyes. I'll definitely start tearing up. Yesterday's goodbye was sad enough. Partly was also because Casper is there. I know Love would be uncomfortable. The video call kept me smiling. Just watching him eat his beef pie, making faces and just talking about random things for a while. I miss him already.. I'd hug him through the video call if I could..

His flight probably took off a few minutes ago.. I can't help but to keep checking the time. I'm feeling half empty already... 😔😢

He's off.

The start of watching Love through his igstory again. That's the thing about Love. When he's away, he takes forever to reply, but his igstory is always updated regularly. I may sound like one overly attached girlfriend but it makes me feel unimportant. His ig is more important. I'm the least in his list. How to not feel lonely when he's away?

I know he wants to study abroad and I can't stop him but I'll prolly need months to prepare myself for it.

I think I really have unlimited amount of tears. Macam free flow je.....

This shitty feeling all over again.

whether im okay or not it doesnt matter.. never matters anyway. Always been that way.

10 more days.

I held it in!

It's always difficult to say goodbye to Love whenever he's going away. Somehow it was more difficult this time. Maybe because he's going somewhere even further? I was trying so hard to not tear up but it got harder. My steps were getting heavier too.

I seriously need to stop being such a cry baby. He's only going for 10 days Nurul Syahirah....................  

MC.

Decided to visit the doc today. Initial plan was to just take the morning off and go to work at 9. Went to LJS at 9 instead to get porridge for work but when Love texted asking if I want to join him for breakfast, my plans changed. I was 50 50 deciding whether to go clinic or not so when Love texted I made my decision. Waited for Love and had my porridge at Starbucks while Love had his egg white wrap. It was a short breakfast date but it felt good!

Went to the clinic after and got MC till Saturday. Love asked if I took MC on purpose. I wish I did! But this cough and wheezing had been bothering me these days.. Went back to work to settle some LTP issues, Mother's day event ( which is gonna be a failure) and some other office issues.

Spent the afternoon with Love! Accompanied him to HQ cause he had to sign something then headed to CCP to find his boots and instant noodles. Yes, these days it's been about Finland Finland Finland. I've got to be honest, I'm still having mixed feelings but after the talk we had the other day, I'm still trying to let it sink in. Looking forward for 17 May already.

Wasn't feeling so good but still wanted to accompany him cause I'll feel worse if I don't. And I want to spend more time with him. 10 days! I dont want to imagine. Am planning my days while waiting for him to come back.

Had our dinner at Bagus. My appetite wasnt so good. I feel like eating a lot of things but I don't feel like eating anything. If that even makes sense. I mean, I do want to eat this and that but when it's in front of me, I don't want to eat it. We went NTUC after to get his instant noodles and he also got some tuna too. I was already feeling uneasy and breathless but I didn't want to show.

Love's been checking on me and making sure I eat and get enough rest. But I'm being stubborn, wanting to accompany him here and there instead. I can't help but be worried about him when he's there. I'd pack for him if I could.. Got to get him some hand warmers tomorrow before I meet him for more shopping!

Kakak is back from Korea today. No more being alone in my room. No more sleeping naked. 😪😧

Timehop.

This popped up while I was scrolling through Timehop. I can clearly remember what this post was about. I was still in the dating-getting to know phase with Love then. I was hoping to see him at my graduation and during that time, it was still the honeymoon period, a.k.a I still didn't know his level of romanticism. Hahahahahahhahha!

Okay anyways, this tweet was me hoping Love would be there for my graduation cause I really wanted him to. But he wasn't and I didn't see him the whole day. Even when I met Sha and Hali for  my graduation dinner. This tweet was followed by another tweet later that same day, which was about choosing training over joining us for dinner.

I figured, maybe during that time it was still all new to me. I didn't understand why he did that. But now, I understand him better already! I don't expect too much. Love surprises me some times, out of the blue, which makes me really happy. There are days when he foregoes his training just to spend time with me. Although his training is still his top priority (yes, it's training over me) but he still tries, or rather I'd say he does, spend more time with me. Pampering me with good food, yummy desserts, catching movies or just simply having coffee together.

Blessed to have Love with me!

Movie Date part 2!

Still down! Got a feeling Mr Asthma is on it's way. Been keeping me up since last night. Hate it when I start wheezing and not to mention the cough. Woke up early still cause Adlan is on MC so I was working alone this morning which means, I can not be late.

Met Love for another movie today! I feel really bad cause I'm down at the wrong timing. Went ahead with our plans still cause I know Love wants to watch Fast & Furious 8. I'm glad we did tho! Love enjoyed it too so despite feeling under the weather, it still felt good! Spent some time walking around finding things for him while waiting for my carousell buyer. Got a little angry cause Love was on the phone with someone and talking about work. But figured there was no point arguing about this so I just went ahead to look for things instead. The thing is, we are out on a date but he's still settling work. So much for no work after working hours. Anyways, it's the past.

Started feeling worse than before with my head pounding and my itchy throat was causing me to cough non-stop. I loved the day and spending my time with Love but I can't help being all weak. Wanted to accompany love for dinner but I really felt sick and didn't feel like having anything for dinner.

Fell asleep a little while just now before forcing myself up to get some food in. Been forcing myself to eat to recover faster!

Oh, I got my very first appraisal today! How do I feel about it? Great! I was looking forward for it not because I wanted to know the results but because it was my first appraisal. Kinda excited for it. The results, however, caught me by surprise. Didn't expect to get what I got but am thankful for such result. Got a lot of people to thank but let's not make this post sound like I won an Oscar or something.

It's been a while.

It's been a while since Love last sent me home. Usually, he'd send me home only after we go out for new year, apart from the times when we first started dating.. It felt good when he sent me home today.. Tho i felt bad cause it was already late and he has yet to have his dinner...

We went to catch Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 at Katong today. Made some last minute changes but thats normal. We planned to wear Krabi singlets but thos girl had to give pool walk a miss cause she wasnt feeling so good. Wanted to surprise Love and wait for him at Starbucks for our usual Tuesdays with Love but this sleepyhead slept till 1030. Felt so bad.. Wanted to spend as much time as i can with him before he flies off but I fell sick instead..

We still enjoyed the show tho. It was a good laugh. Felt worst after the movie and the bus ride made me super dizzy. Couldnt even have a nice sit down dinner with love. 

Gotta get better soonnnn!

Lost.

I shared. And all I got was silence. This is the reason why I always choose to keep quiet. I always get this kind of reply when I try to share what's on my mind. So am I supposed to share? I dont know what's on his mind when I share this way.

I don't want him to think that I don't trust him. I do. But I still have my insecurities. The last time we had this talk and he said that I don't trust him, I got hurt. I was upset when he said that but it wasn't because of trust. I am afraid. Afraid of losing him, afraid of him developing feelings for someone else.

How do I make him understand how I'm feeling?

Sleepless nights

Late nights like this, my brain refuses to shut down. I'm supposed to be asleep more than an hour ago.

So many things running through my head right now. And one of it, something that has been bothering me, is still stuck.

Love's leaving again in 2 weeks. I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of him leaving and going overseas. Selfish, I know. But the thought of him leaving to somewhere further scares me. It's for his own good, I know. I should be supporting him, I know. But still the thought of him being away scares me. He probably dont feel what I feel. He's looking forward for it while I'm not. He's the one going of course he's alright.

But what about me. I'm not alright. I still have to say I'm okay. I still have to smile like nothing's wrong. I hate the feeling of him forgetting about me when he meets other people. And Finland has many pretty girls, and im pretty sure they're smart too, the kind of girls he likes. This fear doesnt seem to go away.

Love's left me for trips with his fam and friends before. I know how it is. I hate having to watch his IG stories just to see him and see how he's doing. I hate waiting for hours just to hear from him. I'm not expecting him to only go on trips with me or 24/7 be replying me and not enjoying the trip. But he never ever call, not to mention video call (except for when he was at mt Fuji), just to chat and ask how i'm doing. I always have the urge to video call cause I miss him so much but I'm always worried about how he'd think. I dont want to be the really clingy kind of girlfriend but I hate the feeling of being alone.

The thought of having to endure another 10 days is really killing me. And not to mention how i'll prolly not have him by my side when he comes back cause everyone else is always coming after him and there's no way he's gonna say no.

This is going to be whole new episode of being alone again.

Post D&D

I realised the previous post was more on the negative. I shouldn't just be blogging about things I'm unhappy about. The main purpose of continuing this blog is to let out things that are difficult to share but that doesn't mean it should be all the negative things only right?

So anyways, back to last night's Dinner and Dance..

Everyone was dressed up in different characters! Most of the guys were in tuxedos, Man in Black, the Great Gatsby, and many more. Ladies were dressed up too. The one that stood out most was our dear Boss Cindy, who came dressed as Trolls character with her daughter! Pasir Ris team came as Harry Potter characters, there were 2 Harley Quinns (Wanted to be Harley Quinn but didn't want to spend money.. heh) and many other characters. Some cross dressed and became Snow White and Smurfette. They were hilarious! I love their confidence.

The food was served Chinese style, meaning course by course. Love and I shared the same table with Wan Ling, Adlan, Jian lun and some Kallang staffs. I didn't expect Love to take and put on my plate for me cause he's always distant when we're in a group of colleagues. He went ahead to offer some to Wan Ling too so I guess that's normal.  But he still took for me first so okla. It softened me a little after the earlier incidents. I depended on him and kept asking him to help me take the food cause the blazer I was wearing was just nice so I couldn't stretch so much. I personally enjoyed the food. Not sure if it's because I'm hungry but I thought the food were delicious. I loved the chicken and the fish. The dessert was good too. It was an Italian dessert made with cream.

Met our ex-bosses. Agnes, who dressed up as the chef in Ratatouille. Had a short quick chat with her and took some pics together. She came over to our tables just to say Hi! She's the sweetest boss ever. I loved how she always prioritize her staffs. On our way down, we bumped into Michael who was dressed in a traditional Chinese character. No wonder he kept saying it's a surprise and kept asking me to guess a few days back! I'd never be able to guess that! Bumped into Isa too on our way down. Another one in black suit.

For once, Love and I actually stayed till nearly the end of an event. We usually would go off halfway when the event gets boring but I guess we were both busy occupied with the food? Realised it was 10+ when Sha got on stage to start the dance. We went off after taking the group picture (which I don't think we would be visible in). It was a good thing we left first cause I bet it would be super crowded if we had left any later!

Both Love and I came a little later for pool walk today. D&D hangover we called it. XD

My first D&D!

Call me weird, but I've always wanted to go for a company's dinner and dance! I don't know what's so special about it but it looks fun.

I had butterflies in my tummy the whole day today! I've got to admit, I was looking forward to tonight since yesterday! The theme for the D&D was "Hollywood Movie Star". I thought it would be fun to dress-up but I have no idea what character to dress-up as so I went for something black and something me instead. Love said he would wear something similar so that we can be matchy matchy (but he wore more navy blue instead of black eventho I told him I'm wearing black.) Made me look forward to D&D even more because Love's going with me!

There was a change in our working shifts cause of the event so I was working from 11 - 3pm instead. So I got ready at 3+ while Love was training. Initial plan was to train before getting ready but it was already nearly 4pm and I knew I definitely would take longer to get ready (because I couldn't decide on what to wear and yes I brought the dress and the jumper to work). Love doesn't like to wait so I decided to forego training and start getting ready. Was having a hard time deciding my make up, which lip colour, which dress etc.. Didn't know that Love was all ready!

As soon as he saw me, the first thing he said was "omg you took more than an hour to get ready!" I was pissed. Firstly, he didn't tell me that he was ready. I was still in the toilet so there's no way I'd know when he finished training. and secondly, instead of a compliment, that's what he said instead? Seriously? I tried so hard to dress up and all I got was "omg you took an hour to get ready!". I was utterly upset. When I told him we should take Grab and I was already booking it, he kept talking about taking the train instead and in the end we did. I was not comfortable with what I wearing because I don't know how I looked. My confidence level was sub-zero but I had to put up a front. He asked if I was uncomfortable which I said yes to but we still ended up taking the train. My excitement for the D&D was slowly decreasing at this point of time. When we arrived at the place, there were many others who looked way better and Love couldn't stop exclaiming and saying how good they look. My morale at this point of time really dipped. Not even a single compliment or at least something positive from him to me. Wanted a nice photo with him but it ended up being an awkward photo instead. Why i chose the word awkward? He stood a distance away from me, standing in completely formal position. I don't see why we can't stand close and wrap our arms over each other's shoulders. I mean, he can take pictures with others like that. Standing close and even putting his arm over the other person's shoulder but when taking pics with me, he;s always standing further away. I understand this whole don't want people to know thing but people already know! And it wasn't a formal event. and even if people don't know about us, we can just be close friends taking a friendly picture together! I can't help but get upset at all this "little" things because it hurts me. And it's not easy to share these things with him because he won't understand, from my point of view.

I managed to hold it all in till the end of the event, Went home with mixed feelings. I enjoyed the fact that I went D&D with Love and spent the whole evening with him, but I can't deny the number of times I felt hurt tonight... Maybe I'll wake up feeling better.

Alone.

You know that feeling when you have so many people around you, yet you feel alone.

Finland.

I don't even know how to start this blog.

It's been in my drafts for a month now.

Love will be coming back in a few days, 3 days to be exact. Then he'll be leaving again, for Finland.

It feels like I'm dating a pilot. Jakarta, Japan and now Finland. I'm happy that he was chosen to go Finland for the course but it's a mixed feeling. I can foresee how the management is going to make use of him when he comes back. That's besides the point.

I'm not jealous that he gets to go. Seeing him getting chosen and recognize for things he is good at makes me happy and proud as his girlfriend.

Its the insecurity that makes me have this feeling. Love's not one who expresses his feelings freely. That means I get minimal to zero reassurance. He doesn't let people know he's attached. There is, again, minimal to none clues that I'm his girlfriend on his social media. Tbh, it makes me upset. like he's trying to show people he's single. I mean, he still has his exes pictures on his social media. Why can't he post something sweet once in a while about me? I know he's not comfortable because we're working in the same office but this is personal life. Social media is personal. Why can't he freely express his feelings?

I always feel empty and lost when he's overseas. He seldom texts and never calls. No matter how much I miss him, all I can do is text and say "I miss you" that's all.

I am scared. If I were voice whatever that is on my mind, the issue on trust will come up again. He'll think I don't trust him. Fact is, I do. I wouldn't be with him if I don't. But it is this fear, one he would probably not understand, that is making me this way. 

The thought of not having him with me , and worst, not being able to contact him for more than a day. The feeling I've been having since the day he shared about this trip. I don't even know how to describe it. 

This is suffocating. 

Bali Trip

Just came back from Bali 2 days ago. It was amazing! There were ups and downs throughout the trip but it was enjoyable. I wished Love was there with me almost 80% of the time. Kept thinking "what if Love was here?" "Love would have enjoyed this." But Love is in Japan with Faisal.

It was a short 5 day trip but I think I spent almost SGD $1000 there! It was insane! The shopping there was considered relatively cheap, the activities there were amazing and don't get me started on food. It was Paradise!

The trip was supposed to a cousins trip, Kak Hafa, Kak Shasha, Fizah and me, but Kak Shasha couldn't make it so it was the 3 of us. Kak Hafa's friend, Pyan, joined us for the whole trip cause he has never been to Bali before so needed a guide. There we met our supir, Pak Made, who has this friendly neighbourhood uncle outlook. He was a very nice guy, humble and knowledgeable.

I wanted to post more about the trip here but I think I'll post it on my travel blog instead. It's been kinda dead for quite sometime now......

Moanday.

First day of Active Health today. I foresee 4 days straight of Starbucks and Foodfare since the course is spread out into 4 days.. Not that I'm complaining but I can certainly hear my wallet screaming. lol. Not really a good time to be spending so much since I'm going for a trip next week. But then again, I still need to eat.....  Not sure what to expect for this course either.. Waiting for Love to go get breakfast pairing at STARBUCKS.

Dating at Work.

Feeling super depleted this morning. Woke up at 3+ in the morning (again) and went back to sleep. Was awoken by noises and realised it was already 6.30am! Hali didn’t bring home her keys yesterday and Abang Rosli is on MC, which means I have to open the sports hall and office by 7! Was really hoping Dicky was the FI for the morning cause Uncle Goh isn’t working on Fridays and only Dicky has the office keys. If he’s not working then that would mean more trouble for me cause some gym members are not easy to deal with. So I ended up opening the sports hall 5 minutes late and some badminton players were saying things like “wah open late ah. Need to complain to town council” which I totally ignored cause 1) I’m human and humans makes mistakes like waking up late too (and he should be thankful I wasn’t late for 30 minutes) and 2) we are not under town council. Didn’t want to make it spoil my day so I just left after unlocking the gates. Am so glad Dicky was working and the gym has started operating already.

Finally joined the Resistance Band class after missing out the past 3 weeks. The ladies positive energy is just what I needed. Love seeing how motivated they are and they always treat us like their own children. Even though I was super tired and sore, it was still as fun as always.

After the class, Love and I made our way to Suntec City for the 50plus 2017 convention. Love asked if I wanted to come along and do the workout with him which I (obviously) agreed to. I was more excited to be out of office this time cause it’s an event with Love and targets the seniors which Love and I have been running programmes for. Went for brunch at Suntec’s Starbucks before heading to the convention hall. Honestly no idea what to expect at all. Went through the plan while having our brunch and I was confident it would work out well because Love did all the planning. True enough, the whole thing went smoothly except for the timing but that was not our control cause the timing part was not planned properly by the organizers (I feel). Love did some alterations during the workout which was one of his fortes. He’s able to change things on the spot smoothly and seeing how time is running out, he managed to alter accordingly. Stayed a while to join the Basic Japanese class and boy was it entertaining. Love is leaving for Japan in a week so he wanted to learn some basics.

Headed to Starbucks again after to get beef pie for Love. I was still full tbh but I didn’t want Love to have to squeeze and eat so much later at night. So got myself the tomato flatbread and another cup of coffee! Walked the whole Suntec cause we made the wrong turn and only realised when we were reaching the North wing which was in the middle so continued walking to East wing to take the train from Promenade instead.

We headed to Sports Hub to train at the gym there after the whole day of movement. My energy level by then was only 45% but since I’ve already told Love I wanted to go to the gym again and I know Love would want to train. I wanted to bench cause I didn’t bench on Tuesday but ended up being super disappointed with myself when I couldn’t bench 25kg. Felt like a weakling. I was really on the verge of crying. As much as I didn’t want to show, I think Love got the feeling that I wasn’t happy. Didn’t want to give up so did other machine exercises instead. My wisdom tooth kept being a b*tch and I had to handle both the pain and my fatigue. Love kept saying “now you know how I feel” and “Rabak seh you tired” which did pissed me off but I didn’t want to spoil the day so I just kept quiet. Can’t complain about my aching tooth too. Spent 2+ hours at the gym with longer rest time today but I still had a decent session I guess.

The thing I loved most today was being able to go dating with love throughout the whole day! Perks of working together with the significant other! Brunch date after band class, dating at the roof garden while waiting for our segment to start at Suntec, tea-break date after event and gym date! ❤

Gym date at Sports Hub

Love didn’t have PTs today so it means dating! Went to sports hub gym to train lower body after work. I’ve always thought it was insane and I’d never be able to train for 3 hours. Today, I proved myself wrong. I followed Love’s training plan (doing lighter weights of course) and went on for 3 hours! >< Call myself insane.

It was fun tho. I love training with Love. I feel more at ease and safe with love around. There are times when his trainer instincts kick in but that’s what I need to. He guided me through deadlifts and other lower body exercise. Didn’t really feel tired until after training.

Went foodfare for dinner. Love still hac 1000+ more kcals to eat and I know he would not hit if we were to go back straight so suggested to eat at foodfare. Nice down time for us too. As much as I wanted to have what he had, my wisdom tooth was giving problems and my gums were sore so had to go for yong tau foo instead. But it was still lovely nonetheless. 

Mid Week

MID WEEEEKKKKKKK!

Our dates are usually either watching movies or chilling at cafes (most of the time Starbucks) or just having early dinner together. This time we decided to do something different! Love was complaining about his messy eyebrows and I needed to go threading too so I jokingly said that we should go together since I still have my membership card. And so we did!

I didn't know that Love have not tried threading before until today! Loved seeing how he was throughout. I think, being his first time, he was worried his brows was gonna be too thin or even worse, gone. I totally understood how he felt cause I went through that roller coaster feeling when I went for the first time too! He was super cute, with that worried but still want to look macho look. Kept saying he's fine but I'm pretty sure he wasn't 100% fine... The lady was nice and kept assuring Love that it will be alright. I, on the other hand, couldn't stop smiling looking at him. Super adorable. Love is a more serious kind of person compared to the childish me but when he showed this side of him, it made me fall for him even more. Threading turned out well! We were both satisfied with our brows and Love wants to come back so this means more threading sessions with Love!

Headed to Nex at Serangoon to have our early dinner before we make a delivery. Today's date was a combination of self-grooming, dinner date and AFI meetup at Serangoon. Knowing Love, he'd want me to choose a place nearby in the east so that it would not be too far for me to go home. But I didn't want him to be running around so I suggested to eat at Nex's So Pho. We've talked about trying So Pho but never really been there. Googled the dining places at Nex and saw So Pho so why not! That was prolly the best decision ever! I fell in love with the Pho! As usual we took quiteeeee some time to decide on what we want and ended up going for their simple beef pho. I fell in love as soon as I tasted the soup! Loved how it had just enough taste, not too salty and not too bland. Wished they gave more beef but it was alright! Had a lovely dinner while chatting with Love. I mean, what better way to spend the midweek than to spend it with my love right? ;)

We ended the day heading to meet the buyer at Serangoon MRT. Love let me pass the item to the girl and I awkwardly did. Hahahahah! It was my first time and the girl seemed eager to leave so I just quickly passed it and collected the money! XD

Ladies Day Out!

The super overdue ladies day out! 

My off days are always occupied with my own plans cause staying home on off days means just lazing around. Off day usually starts with Pool Walk in the morning, brunch with Love at Starbucks followed by either staying on and doing work or going home, shower and head back out. 

This week, Love had a course to attend to so I conducted the Pool Walk alone and headed back straight after. Ibu mentioned that she wants to go Halal Hub and asked if I have plans on my off day. It's been a long time since I last went out with her so I asked her last night if she wants to have breakfast and go Halal Hub today. Didn't know kakak's off day was on the same day too so she ended up tagging along. For once I actually drove independently without any other drivers in the car! 

Had brunch at Chick-a-Boo which was obviously not my choice. The food was alright. The chicken tasted like Arnold's but I did like the sweet potato fries. Sat for about 1 1/2 hours chatting and laughing. It feels different now cause both kakak and I are in our mid-twenties now. The marriage age they say. Ibu brought up a conversation she had with Bapak when they were in JB about us getting married and how it'll be. So started all the marriage talk. Both kakak and I do not agree on having a big event. As much as I've always dreamt of a grnad wedding, I don't think that it's feasible, especially in the current economy state.

The conversation continued for quite some time and more crazy ideas popped up, like getting married together with Pak Busu and Hadi so that we share the cost, getting married in Australia so we dont have to invite so many guests and many other different ideas. I naturally started talking about Love and the buffet spread consisting of greens and meat he mentioned about. I'd want to take the simplest way and just get married at ROM without any big ceremonies but doubt that would be possible. 

We went Halal Hub after we got tired of laughing. I personally think it's overpriced there! I mean, there's nothing really wow about it. Ended up getting 2kg frozen chicken breast from the FROZEN SEAFOOD shop opposite Halal Hub. Lol!

I needed coffee badly and it was a Tuesday which meant Gelare 1/2 price waffles. Had our tea break there and continued chatting. We were all getting sleepy thus the coffee. 

Lovely day it was, just spending time like that. Once in a while is fine but not too often! :P

On a side note, chubby cheeks gotta go!

Valentine's Day! ❤

No, we don't celebrate Valentine's Day. Ee went on a date tho.

Spent the morning at pool walk and headed over to Starbucks for our usual brunch. None stop giggles as usual this morning and everyone was wishing each other Happy Valentine's Day, which I thought was really sweet! To me, Valentine's Day is not only for couples in love, but also for people who means a lot to each other.

Had a date with Love later in the afternoon, after his PT and training. Went to Maras Restaurant (again) to have desserts. Wanted to try their Pistachio Baklava cause we didn't get to try last week but it was not available today. Love had already krdered waffles before the lady told us they ran out of Baklava so I had limited time to decide what I want. Chose DIY waffles instead. Didn't really liked my choices but the waffle came looking very colourful and childish, which i had no problems with. I thought it was cute. Was having dizzy spells since I left the house and it got worst after the dessert. Didnt want to let Love know but it got real bad.

Walked around to Cold Storage after the desserts and headed back. Didn't get to spend much time with Love cause he needed to get home earlier to pack. Love's leaving for Bandung early tomorrow morning. I hate it when he leaves like that. Saying goodbye is always more difficult when he's going away on trips. This time he's going with his family. 6 days without him.... I'm already missing him and he hasn't even leave sg...

Gotta sleep now and hopefully wake up by 6 at least so that i'll get to text him before his flight!

The Griddy Date.

Realised today that it's been quite some time since we last had dessert. Our dates has mostly been movie or simple meal dates lately..

Spent the afternoon with Love at OTH today. Had a simple paleo early dinner at The Merting Den; I had their NZ prime Sirloin while Love had their pan seared Salmon. Nothing really special but it was still good and filling. Kinda disappointed that their Aligot wasn't as springy as i thought.

Headed to Griddy for dessert after. Like they always say, there's always room for dessert! 😂 I was quite full from the meal. Decided to be less of a fat child and shared a waffle with Love. Wanted to try the Smores waffle initially but Love's not a fan of marshmallows so went for their Granny Smith waffles instead. Loved the vanilla bean ice cream and caramel on top. Couldn't really taste the digestives tho.. 🤔

It was a lovely evening with Love nonetheless. Not much about work today. It was just us being us. Joked and chatted about all different kind of things. My favourite kind of dates. 💑

And the better news is..... We're going dinner date again tomorrow! 😆😆😆😆

Work Work Work

Lately, it's all been about work. I think 85% of my life revolves around work. Even after working hours, it's still work. Off day, still work.

Took an hour off from work to go Starbucks with love today. Initial plan was to take mc but since love's working, I went to work too. Went to Kallang Leisure Park's Starbucks cause Bedok Points quite crowded and we needed space. Love has his page to settle and i had proposals to complete. It was nice having him with me eventhough we were both busy with our work. Just his presence makes me feel more comfortable no matter where i am and how stressed i feel. I love it when smiles. Truth is, the reason why I can still hold everything in at work is because of him.

Anyways, I managed to finish 2 proposals and posters in 3 hours! That's an accomplishment!

I used to think that planning events is fun. In fact, i used to think work is fun. I looked forward to going to work. Now, i dread to go. I wish i can stay in bed longer. I wish i dont have deadlines to meet. I wish politics dont exist.

But hey, that's life.

Missed a day! 😅

I didn't blog yesterday. My bad.

Nothing much yesterday tho.. Just more stress at work. That's about it.

This morning started with, as usual, difficulty getting up. It's off day but Tuesdays means Pool Walk! It's something Love started late in 2015 and have been going on since then, with the group growing bigger and bigger. I dont mind going for pool walk cause I love the gang. They are a group of pioneers whom we call the ballerinas and ballerinos. They are the best group to be with when you're feeling down. Their jokes and laughters just automatically brightens up the day. 💗

We had our usual brunch at Starbucks after the programme. It's been our weekly thing since I dont know when. It's like our work date just to spend some time together and of course to eat cause we usually get hungry after pool walk.

Spent the other half of the day at home. Such a lovely weather today but got to get my lazy ass up for some workout. Going off MFP for a while to gain some weight. Love's been telling me to gain weight cause I'm too skinny (which i totally disagree) and it's making me recover from training at a slower rate. Or rather, making me get injured more frequently.

That's about it for today. ✌

Rest Day.

Took time-off today cause this girl's gotta slow down and get some rest! Work has been crazy and I'm on the verge of breaking down. Plus, this cramps are crazy. 

Been working for 15hrs straight for the past 2 days, running here and there for the Event. On top of that, the managers have been pressuring me with back to back events planning with datelines so close to each other. Planning includes, coming up with the event, proposals, posters and marketing which is mostly done by my Hali cause I suck at marketing. Having new managers made me feel more stressed and pressured I think. I've always disliked being asked and talking about work after hours cause hello, it's after working hours. I didn't sign a contract that says I'm working 24 hours a day. I need some work-life balance but the past few weeks, it's been 24 hours work. Even on off days. No, I'm not complaining about coming back to work for Pool Walk/Resistance band. I love going to work for them cause the ballerinas and ballerinos, as we call them, never fails to brighten up my day. 

I don't consider today a productive off day. Not really a well-rested one either but it's good to have days like this i suppose. All I did today was grocery shopping, eat, iron work uniform (see work again!), eat, watch some online shows as destress, eat, fell asleep, blog and I'm gonna cook for dinner after I finish this blog. And on top of it all, I really wish Love's with me. 

I blame this unproductive day on my cramps. Period. 

Growing up is really crazy. No joke. 

Giving up.

My limit is slowly reaching the top. Im completely drained. Mentally. Physically. I just want to be a way at this point of time.

Alone.

These days, everything doesn't seem to feel right. Everyone takes it as I'm being extra sensitive, even my boyfriend, but what they don't know is how lonely I feel. I mean I'm thankful to have many people around me, but why do I still feel lonely? Why do I end up crying to myself feeling like shit? No one really understands. "She's just being sensitive" "She's having PMS" 

No. I'm not being sensitive, neither am I having pms. I'm lost in my own thoughts. I need to talk to someone without being thrown back questions like "Why must you do that?" "Why are you doing that to yourself?" "No need la do that". And I need people to stop telling me what to do. Let me live. 

The number of sleepless nights, the number of times I had to hold back, the number of times I ask myself "are you okay?". I'm tired of putting up a cheery fun. Yes, I don't have to pretend, but do anyone really care?