Lost.

I shared. And all I got was silence. This is the reason why I always choose to keep quiet. I always get this kind of reply when I try to share what's on my mind. So am I supposed to share? I dont know what's on his mind when I share this way.

I don't want him to think that I don't trust him. I do. But I still have my insecurities. The last time we had this talk and he said that I don't trust him, I got hurt. I was upset when he said that but it wasn't because of trust. I am afraid. Afraid of losing him, afraid of him developing feelings for someone else.

How do I make him understand how I'm feeling?

Sleepless nights

Late nights like this, my brain refuses to shut down. I'm supposed to be asleep more than an hour ago.

So many things running through my head right now. And one of it, something that has been bothering me, is still stuck.

Love's leaving again in 2 weeks. I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of him leaving and going overseas. Selfish, I know. But the thought of him leaving to somewhere further scares me. It's for his own good, I know. I should be supporting him, I know. But still the thought of him being away scares me. He probably dont feel what I feel. He's looking forward for it while I'm not. He's the one going of course he's alright.

But what about me. I'm not alright. I still have to say I'm okay. I still have to smile like nothing's wrong. I hate the feeling of him forgetting about me when he meets other people. And Finland has many pretty girls, and im pretty sure they're smart too, the kind of girls he likes. This fear doesnt seem to go away.

Love's left me for trips with his fam and friends before. I know how it is. I hate having to watch his IG stories just to see him and see how he's doing. I hate waiting for hours just to hear from him. I'm not expecting him to only go on trips with me or 24/7 be replying me and not enjoying the trip. But he never ever call, not to mention video call (except for when he was at mt Fuji), just to chat and ask how i'm doing. I always have the urge to video call cause I miss him so much but I'm always worried about how he'd think. I dont want to be the really clingy kind of girlfriend but I hate the feeling of being alone.

The thought of having to endure another 10 days is really killing me. And not to mention how i'll prolly not have him by my side when he comes back cause everyone else is always coming after him and there's no way he's gonna say no.

This is going to be whole new episode of being alone again.

Post D&D

I realised the previous post was more on the negative. I shouldn't just be blogging about things I'm unhappy about. The main purpose of continuing this blog is to let out things that are difficult to share but that doesn't mean it should be all the negative things only right?

So anyways, back to last night's Dinner and Dance..

Everyone was dressed up in different characters! Most of the guys were in tuxedos, Man in Black, the Great Gatsby, and many more. Ladies were dressed up too. The one that stood out most was our dear Boss Cindy, who came dressed as Trolls character with her daughter! Pasir Ris team came as Harry Potter characters, there were 2 Harley Quinns (Wanted to be Harley Quinn but didn't want to spend money.. heh) and many other characters. Some cross dressed and became Snow White and Smurfette. They were hilarious! I love their confidence.

The food was served Chinese style, meaning course by course. Love and I shared the same table with Wan Ling, Adlan, Jian lun and some Kallang staffs. I didn't expect Love to take and put on my plate for me cause he's always distant when we're in a group of colleagues. He went ahead to offer some to Wan Ling too so I guess that's normal.  But he still took for me first so okla. It softened me a little after the earlier incidents. I depended on him and kept asking him to help me take the food cause the blazer I was wearing was just nice so I couldn't stretch so much. I personally enjoyed the food. Not sure if it's because I'm hungry but I thought the food were delicious. I loved the chicken and the fish. The dessert was good too. It was an Italian dessert made with cream.

Met our ex-bosses. Agnes, who dressed up as the chef in Ratatouille. Had a short quick chat with her and took some pics together. She came over to our tables just to say Hi! She's the sweetest boss ever. I loved how she always prioritize her staffs. On our way down, we bumped into Michael who was dressed in a traditional Chinese character. No wonder he kept saying it's a surprise and kept asking me to guess a few days back! I'd never be able to guess that! Bumped into Isa too on our way down. Another one in black suit.

For once, Love and I actually stayed till nearly the end of an event. We usually would go off halfway when the event gets boring but I guess we were both busy occupied with the food? Realised it was 10+ when Sha got on stage to start the dance. We went off after taking the group picture (which I don't think we would be visible in). It was a good thing we left first cause I bet it would be super crowded if we had left any later!

Both Love and I came a little later for pool walk today. D&D hangover we called it. XD

My first D&D!

Call me weird, but I've always wanted to go for a company's dinner and dance! I don't know what's so special about it but it looks fun.

I had butterflies in my tummy the whole day today! I've got to admit, I was looking forward to tonight since yesterday! The theme for the D&D was "Hollywood Movie Star". I thought it would be fun to dress-up but I have no idea what character to dress-up as so I went for something black and something me instead. Love said he would wear something similar so that we can be matchy matchy (but he wore more navy blue instead of black eventho I told him I'm wearing black.) Made me look forward to D&D even more because Love's going with me!

There was a change in our working shifts cause of the event so I was working from 11 - 3pm instead. So I got ready at 3+ while Love was training. Initial plan was to train before getting ready but it was already nearly 4pm and I knew I definitely would take longer to get ready (because I couldn't decide on what to wear and yes I brought the dress and the jumper to work). Love doesn't like to wait so I decided to forego training and start getting ready. Was having a hard time deciding my make up, which lip colour, which dress etc.. Didn't know that Love was all ready!

As soon as he saw me, the first thing he said was "omg you took more than an hour to get ready!" I was pissed. Firstly, he didn't tell me that he was ready. I was still in the toilet so there's no way I'd know when he finished training. and secondly, instead of a compliment, that's what he said instead? Seriously? I tried so hard to dress up and all I got was "omg you took an hour to get ready!". I was utterly upset. When I told him we should take Grab and I was already booking it, he kept talking about taking the train instead and in the end we did. I was not comfortable with what I wearing because I don't know how I looked. My confidence level was sub-zero but I had to put up a front. He asked if I was uncomfortable which I said yes to but we still ended up taking the train. My excitement for the D&D was slowly decreasing at this point of time. When we arrived at the place, there were many others who looked way better and Love couldn't stop exclaiming and saying how good they look. My morale at this point of time really dipped. Not even a single compliment or at least something positive from him to me. Wanted a nice photo with him but it ended up being an awkward photo instead. Why i chose the word awkward? He stood a distance away from me, standing in completely formal position. I don't see why we can't stand close and wrap our arms over each other's shoulders. I mean, he can take pictures with others like that. Standing close and even putting his arm over the other person's shoulder but when taking pics with me, he;s always standing further away. I understand this whole don't want people to know thing but people already know! And it wasn't a formal event. and even if people don't know about us, we can just be close friends taking a friendly picture together! I can't help but get upset at all this "little" things because it hurts me. And it's not easy to share these things with him because he won't understand, from my point of view.

I managed to hold it all in till the end of the event, Went home with mixed feelings. I enjoyed the fact that I went D&D with Love and spent the whole evening with him, but I can't deny the number of times I felt hurt tonight... Maybe I'll wake up feeling better.

Alone.

You know that feeling when you have so many people around you, yet you feel alone.

Finland.

I don't even know how to start this blog.

It's been in my drafts for a month now.

Love will be coming back in a few days, 3 days to be exact. Then he'll be leaving again, for Finland.

It feels like I'm dating a pilot. Jakarta, Japan and now Finland. I'm happy that he was chosen to go Finland for the course but it's a mixed feeling. I can foresee how the management is going to make use of him when he comes back. That's besides the point.

I'm not jealous that he gets to go. Seeing him getting chosen and recognize for things he is good at makes me happy and proud as his girlfriend.

Its the insecurity that makes me have this feeling. Love's not one who expresses his feelings freely. That means I get minimal to zero reassurance. He doesn't let people know he's attached. There is, again, minimal to none clues that I'm his girlfriend on his social media. Tbh, it makes me upset. like he's trying to show people he's single. I mean, he still has his exes pictures on his social media. Why can't he post something sweet once in a while about me? I know he's not comfortable because we're working in the same office but this is personal life. Social media is personal. Why can't he freely express his feelings?

I always feel empty and lost when he's overseas. He seldom texts and never calls. No matter how much I miss him, all I can do is text and say "I miss you" that's all.

I am scared. If I were voice whatever that is on my mind, the issue on trust will come up again. He'll think I don't trust him. Fact is, I do. I wouldn't be with him if I don't. But it is this fear, one he would probably not understand, that is making me this way. 

The thought of not having him with me , and worst, not being able to contact him for more than a day. The feeling I've been having since the day he shared about this trip. I don't even know how to describe it. 

This is suffocating. 

Bali Trip

Just came back from Bali 2 days ago. It was amazing! There were ups and downs throughout the trip but it was enjoyable. I wished Love was there with me almost 80% of the time. Kept thinking "what if Love was here?" "Love would have enjoyed this." But Love is in Japan with Faisal.

It was a short 5 day trip but I think I spent almost SGD $1000 there! It was insane! The shopping there was considered relatively cheap, the activities there were amazing and don't get me started on food. It was Paradise!

The trip was supposed to a cousins trip, Kak Hafa, Kak Shasha, Fizah and me, but Kak Shasha couldn't make it so it was the 3 of us. Kak Hafa's friend, Pyan, joined us for the whole trip cause he has never been to Bali before so needed a guide. There we met our supir, Pak Made, who has this friendly neighbourhood uncle outlook. He was a very nice guy, humble and knowledgeable.

I wanted to post more about the trip here but I think I'll post it on my travel blog instead. It's been kinda dead for quite sometime now......