I miss atok very very much.

I used to not want to call Tok Man on his birthdays just because it's awkward. But today, no matter how awkward it was, I just felt like calling him. Because I dont want to regret it later. I keep asking myself all these quetions. "What if Tok Man also leave me before i do something that would make them feel proud? What if Tok Man leaves before i get married? What if Tok Man is not able to my children,his grandkids?" All this what ifs that i never thought about when Atok was still around. All because i was selfish, thinking that they will always be with me and they will never leave. And then reality strikes. Atok left. Eventhough it was not sudden, we had time to prepare ourselves, i still feel it is too sudden. He's suddenly gone. One day i go to school and the next thing i know, i was woken up and dad says " da, atok da tkde" very calmly. I can still remeber the exact feeling i had that night. Nothing can ever explain that feeling