Constantly Torn.

Love.

L.O.V.E.

What is Love?

There are many different kinds of love. Love for something, love for an animal, love for doing things, love for someone. 

How do you differentiate the kind of love?

How do you differentiate loving someone and simply liking someone? 

What if, you love someone but the person doesn't have the same feelings for you? 

How sure are you that your other half loves you as much as you do? 

When I fall in love, I fall hard. Everything will be about the person. Will he like it if i do this? Will he be okay if i do that? I'll share everything, even things I don't want to share initially, even things that he might think is not important but I tell him anyways. I don't hide things, except sometimes I'll take a while before telling him. Things like why I'm upset/angry at him. I'm scared that it would end up becoming an argument. 

The past few days, issue on trust keeps popping up. It feels like he thinks I dont trust him. Why would i be with someone who I dont trust? True, I can't trust anyone 100%. After all the past relationships I had, I fear trusting people fully. Everyone said "you're the only one", everyone said "I have you, I dont need to find another one", some even said "I love you". Everyone left. 

Call me old-fashioned but I take relationships seriously. If you keep telling people "no we're not together" and keep hiding that we're dating, how would that make me feel? And when I do say something, he keeps saying that I dont trust him. 

Sometimes there are things that he do which makes me puzzled and I start questioning in my head. Why did he have to hide his phone away and text secretly? Wouldn't that make me more suspicious? Why can't he just do it openly? And when he keeps talking about his past girlfrieds, the things he did with them, how does that make me feel? How do i not feel like he have not gotten over them? How would i not be scared that if he meet them, things will happen again? 

I'm always torn between sharing and not sharing my feelings. The fear of losing him scares me. 

I am scared. 

Trust. 

All Grown Up.

"What was I thinking?" That kept echoing in my head as I read my posts from the very start of this blog. 2009, the year I started this blig, also the year I was sitting for my O'Levels. When I was at a young age of 16. 

8 years later, I'm back in this blog. And I'm planning to continue from here. I can't promise I'll update very regularly but I'll be back often enough so that when I come across this blog again in 5 or even 10 years time, I'll have more to look back on and see my progress throughout the years.

Well, for a start, here's an update about myself. I'm 23 this year. I graduated from polytechnic in May last year and I've just started full time since May this year. I'm currently working as a Guest Officer with a semi-government company. How I got this job? I was an intern at another centre in 2014 for my polytechnic course. Then I continued as a part timer and ended up taking full-time here. I became complacent and attached to the people here. Here is also the place where I fell in love with my partner. 

I'm still getting used to adulthood. There are so many things to learn from. I know things comes naturally but sometimes it gets a little too difficult for me. 

There are a lot more things that I want to update about but due to time constraint, I'll update again soon! Just got back from work and it's time for bed. 

Goodnight.

Esteem.

SELF-ESTEEM
: confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect."assertiveness training for those with low self-esteem"synonyms:self-respect, self-regard, pride in oneself/one's abilities, faith in oneself, pride, dignity,morale, self-confidence, confidence, self-assurance, assurance; 

A weakness of mine. I hate it sometimes. It makes me feel silly. It makes me scared.

It is slowly turning into a fear. A fear that's pulling me away from everyone. Even the one i love. 

BLOGGED!

It's been so long since I blogged here. In fact, I've actually forgotten that I actually even have one! 

So many things happened during the past 3 years. I regret not documenting all those moments. Reading back the previous post brought back many memories, even memories of the posts that were deleted before I started blogging again. Why did I even deleted those? It would've been a trip down memory lane, reading the posts from when i was in my teens now in my twenties.

The reason why I suddenly remembered about this blog is because someone dear to me had started something new. Don't know why it suddenly reminded me of this blog but yeaa.. maybe I should continue this blog from here on. Just for my own keepsake. Documenting every precious moment.

Will update and probably clean up my blog ASAP when i have the time!