I lost the person who was part of my life. The person who I love so much. The person who taught me a lot. The person who I never want to lose. Who I hope would see me graduate, who I hoped would see me do what I like, who I hoped, would see me get married and have kids, who I hoped would be able to see me be successful in the future. The person who I respect the most. The one who I can always talk to when I feel like giving up. The one who will never fail to encourage me, make me smile, calm me down when I'm angry. The one who will make me laugh whenever he comments about whatever that is on TV. Comments on even the slightest things on TV, politics and all. The one who will stubbornly not want to visit the doctor and eat his medicines when he's ill. Little did anyone know, the day that he said he would visit the doctor because of his leg would be his last day awake. The day that he said he would visit the doctor, he did, he went to the hospital. But it was not on his own. He was taken to the hospital by the paramedics because he wouldn't wake up. He didn't wake up for 76 long days.
I remember how a few days before he collapse I asked him about his toe and he said he would go to the doctor on Saturday "kalau masih belom baik lagi". And nenek told me that he die die don't want to go to the docs. I remember how when I came into the room and he said "ah ni mane pegi ni? Dah lame tk jumpe atok". It breaks my heart cause he was hoping that I would come ovet but I didnt. I remember how he asked about school and I told him I was graduating on monday and told him to get well by then. I remeber how we were all inside the room and he asked "asal nari sume datang?" and cik nini told him that it has been a long time since everyone gathered so we all came to visit nenek and atok after all our schedules for the day is over. I remember how he smiled when he heard we came to visit him like how we used to every week. I remember how that night, he stood up from his bed and walk to the living room like a healthy person when he usually take a while to stand. I told him to just rest in the room and he said he should sit outside since everyone is here. I remember how he sat and tap my thigh like how he always does it and told me to "blaja rajin rajin. Nanti da besar boleh tolong ibu bapak. Kesian bapak keje siang malam. Nanti girl boleh beli kereta." I remember how he suddenly turned and started asking nenek who we all were. I was kind of glad he didn't ask me who I was when he turned to me and instead he said "girl ade 4 adik beradik kn". He got confused between us and naz's siblings. He said "girl ni ade 3 boys 1 girl" and when i told him he's wrong he corrected himself and said "eh salah tu Ajah ade 1 girl 3 boys. Ni 2 girls 2 boys". Then he stood up and went to the door and talked to the uncles outside before going in the room cause he said he needed to rest.
Everyone went home went he went to sleep, cause everyone thought he felt better already. Ibu got a text from dad saying he needed hadi to go over urgently. I had a bad feeling abiut it so i packed my bag and went to nenek house after hadi left. Mum told hadi to meet me downstairs so i asked him what happened n he said atok meraung lagi. I couldnt stop my tears when hadi said wak mah and nenek are crying. But i knew I had to keep calm. So i wiped my tears and went up and true enough nenek, wakmah and wak jah were all red eyed. Wak mah told me that bapak n the boys are clearing atok up cause he passed motion on the bed and is too weak to get up. So we had ladies talk in the living while they were clearing up. We talked about things tgat made us smile and not feel down and wak man made us laugh cause he couldn't stand the feeling if wanting to vomit. That night, we thought everything would be alright when atok wakes up the next morning. Ze cousins niece and i stayed over, my dad slept with atok and nenek and wak mid stayed too. In the morning when i woke up,  they told me atok have not woken since the night and abang nazrul had called the ambulance. The paramedic tried to wake atok up but he still wouldn't wake up. I remebered it was 830 when the paramedics came.
Atok was put in the high dependency unit for 4 days before being transfered to the MICU for the next 2 weeks. I stayed with nenek for the period of time and we went to the hospital everyday at 5pm. Then school startex and it gets harder for me to cope. With 5 hours of sleep, going to school, going to the hospital after school, going home from the hospital and going back to nenek house became a routine that I got used to. He was put on breathing support while in MICU and his children decided to take it off. We all gathered when the doctors took off the breathing support and told us to be prepared. But my atok was strong. He didn't need the breathing support. He could breathe on his own!  Then Atok was allowed to go home so I got to take care of him at home. My schedule became less busy as I did not have to go to the hospital. I would go straight home to nenek's house and it would be in time to feed atok for his 5.30pm meal. I would talk to him and sometimes he would smile as I'm feeding him. He never opens his eyes except for a few times but he would just stare blankly and not say anything. 9 days later, he was back in the hospital cause nenek said he had fits. So it was back to the hospital routine. Throughout his stay in the hospital, I went through some lessons for when he comes back home.
After spending another 47 days in the hospital, the doctors said they can not do anything else and let atok come home. They told wak man to not send atok back to the hospital cause "he is just waiting for his time". It was mean of them!
We took care of him like how we did. On the second day that he was home, I was down with flu. I didn't want to spread so i didn't go to him much. That night, i wanted to feed him his 9pm meal but there were still milk left so i couldn't feed him. At 10 plus, i checked again and it was still the same. So i gave him his cough syrup and went to sleep without talking to him or even said goodnight to him. At 1.21am, bibik woke me up and told me that bapak needed my help. But baapk did not need my help at all. I woke up, half dizzy and groggy, walked into the living room and i saw nenek alsi awake then bapak said "da. Atok da tkde." as simple as that. I couldn't even digest it. I touched atok's feet and it was still warm. I called cik nini and told her the news. No tears at all. Even when i woke maya up and told her "ya my atok da tkde" there was still no tears. When i walked home to change also no tearz. When ibu asked are u ok all i could do is look at her and shrug. I have no idea what i was feeling at all. When ibu hugged me, that was when i started crying. But it still have not strucked me. Even when i went back to nenek's house and see the people there, i was still stunned. I still could not believe it. But when it wad time to kiss our last goodbye, i saw atok all pale and covered in white cloth, i couldnt stop my tears. I felt like crying my heart out but i had to restrict myself. I kissed him and said goodbye and they covered his face. I knew that was going to be the last time. I followed him on his last journey and i saw bapak's red eyes as he put his father into the grave. My dad had been very strong. He stayed by his father's side througout even till atok's last journey and never once did he complain.
My Atok left behind many memories. All the great memories from drinking teh susu, to eating break with milk to eating nasi ayam with lots of sesame oil to the motor rides when he would put me standing at the front of his green vespa.
There are so many things that I want to tell yiu. There are so many things I'm sorry for. So many words I was not able to say to you.
I'm sorry we all became busy with our lives. I'm sorry we didn't keep up with the weekly sunday routine. I'm sorry for everything we were lacking in. I'm sorry for making you wait for us to come and visit. I'm sorry I have never told you how much I love you. I'm sorry for selfishly think that you would always be around. If I have the chance, just 1 chance, I want to tell you that you're the best Atok ever and I love you so much I want you to always be my atok and I dont want you to leave.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ATOK! I MISS YOU! I NEED YOU TO TELL ME THAT I CAN DO THIS! I LOVE YOU AND I FOREVER WILL! I WILL NEVET FORGET YOU! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

I miss atok very very much.

I used to not want to call Tok Man on his birthdays just because it's awkward. But today, no matter how awkward it was, I just felt like calling him. Because I dont want to regret it later. I keep asking myself all these quetions. "What if Tok Man also leave me before i do something that would make them feel proud? What if Tok Man leaves before i get married? What if Tok Man is not able to my children,his grandkids?" All this what ifs that i never thought about when Atok was still around. All because i was selfish, thinking that they will always be with me and they will never leave. And then reality strikes. Atok left. Eventhough it was not sudden, we had time to prepare ourselves, i still feel it is too sudden. He's suddenly gone. One day i go to school and the next thing i know, i was woken up and dad says " da, atok da tkde" very calmly. I can still remeber the exact feeling i had that night. Nothing can ever explain that feeling

Where's my Atok?

i miss you so much! It's been nearly 2 months and i still cannot accept the fact that i will never be able to see you again. i know im not suppose to be this way but i just cannot help thinking about it. Why did you have tto go? You did not even see me in my graduation gown. i want you to say that you are proud of your granddaughter and your granddaughter did a good job. why didn't you wake up even just a little while?
It's going to be raya this weekend. It's the first without you. I cannot imagine how it is going to be.

"on graduation day, i want to see you smile. 
Dear Atok, your pampered cucu has completed another step in her life, a step that she thought was a mistake. but it ws a step that changed her life. she needs you to be there. to celebrate the hppy event with her.
no she can't promise you she won't cry. no she can't promise you she will smile. no she can't promise you she won't be sad. "

Visited Atok the night before graduation. Nothing changed. But he did open his eyes and "looked" at me. I told him im graduating the next day. When he was still healthy, i told him about me graduating very soon and he was very happy. I was very excited and was planning to take photos with nenek and atok in my graduation robe. I was thinking twice about going to the graduation ceremony but because atok opened his eyes, i went. heh. Then the day before graduation, dad told me a very bad news. well i felt it was a very bad piece of news. He told me he could not make it for my graduation cause he had to work cause he just started working at his new place. I was really super sad. I mean, when i told him about my graduation, he was the happiest and most excited to go. then suddenly he cannot make it because mum said he should start working his night job soon. And that soon happened to be my graduation week. BUT THEN! A few minutes before the ceremony started, dad texted me to ask me where exactly is the auditorium. He dropped by before going to work to see me!! i had to admit, i really felt like crying. heh. and i think it was very obvious that i was very happy when dad came. eventhough he came for just a little while, i was still very happy that he actually ruched down to see me even for a few minutes. before he left, he told me " bapak dah dapat tengok anak bapak in graduation gown. bapak very happy, thank you."

I'm happy to see bapak proud/ I'm glad and thankful that he was there. Atok might have said the same thing too. He would tell me how proud he is of his grandchildren. 

when will the rainbow appear?

it is really not easy to pretend everything's alright when it is not. seeing nenek's tears when we visit you at the hospital is really heartbreaking. seeing you lying unconscious on the hospital bed is worst. i tried to be strong.. i tried to hide the tears.. but it just keeps falling. how can this happen? when nenek told me "dugaan ni paling berat sekali nenek nak pikul. nenek tk sanggup lagi dah" i know i had to be even stronger.

im tired. im sick. im exhausted. it's hard having to do so many things at one time. when will all this end? when will i be able to see u smile again? when will i get to have little talks with you? when will i be able to ask you for advices again? you have to at least see me graduate from ITE!

Why won't you wake up? i want to see you smiling again!!!!!!!