4 more months. Hang in there, dear self.

I should have just kept my mouth shut. Let the feeling go. Pretend like I always do.

But we talked about it. We talked about sharing everything.

Everytime I share and be honest, I'll be at fault. Why do I have to be guilty every time I share?

Why does it always have to be my fault when I share? Why do I have to be treated like I cheated in this relationship just because I shared late? Why do I have to be blamed for being comfortable showing who I am and how I'm feeling to someone I love? Why does it become a mistake when I don't pretend in front of the one I love? Am i supposed to pretend when I'm with you too?

The news about aunt's condition came at the wrong time. My eyes has been like a broken tap the whole morning yesterday. Was trying to hold it all in at work. Then Older Aunt called, crying. My heart sank and tears just wouldn't stop flowing. Went straight to aunt's house and as soon as I saw her, I knew I needed Love at that very moment.

Been getting half-hearted replies since then. I need my Love back, the one who'd hug and kiss me till I feel better, the one who would keep telling me it's gonna be alright. I really need you right now.

I'm pulling away this time. Not because my feelings changed. But because I have to take care of my own heart. Cause if I don't, no one else will. I'll break. From the inside.

I tried to help but it turned into a mistake made instead. Guess it wasn't needed in the first place.

I changed. There'd be a reason if I did.

Guess I'm no longer important  now that you have everyone.

It's suffocating to not be able to talk to you but this time, I have to think of myself first.

I'm hurt. Just like how you're aching everywhere and it's affecting your training, I'm aching too. My heart, and it's affecting me.

Love is back!

Love is back today! I kept thinking he'll be back on Thursday cause I remembered seeing Thursday somewhere.

I don't know if it was because I was feeling upset but I didn't feel like fetching him. Asked him last night if he wants me to fetch and he said no so I thought of not fetching. Then he texted and asked if I wanted to have coffee together cause he's not planning to go out on Thursday. I thought of just meeting him on Friday instead but I missed him a lot. He didn't tell me the flight details so I had to check everything myself. Left the office at 4 thinking his flight will land at 4.40pm but they landed slightly earlier so I ended up taking the cab cause I don't want to be late. I got more upset when Love didn't tell me he landed. Had to depend on the app and Casper texted when they've landed. He asked if I'm coming to fetch and if I am, I should be on my way soon cause they're at the customs.

As much as I wanted to tell Love off, but I didn't want to start as soon as he comes back. I feel bad cause I think my face shows I'm unhappy and it was awkward. He didn't introduce me to his friends so I felt even more awkward. Didn't want to look like I'm unfriendly but I was seriously feeling awkward, like "should i go introduce myself?" "do i say hi?" "do they know I'm his girlfriend?". Stood further away instead of near the customs exit while waiting for Love cause I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable.

Had "tea break" at Starbucks. It's been a while. He got over excited talking about his trip but it felt good to have him sitting in front of me again. <3 3="" p="">

Pamper Me session.

Off Day today. Decided to have a little pampering session by myself for myself.

Wanted to go to the Onsen place at Kallang but I can't cause it's that month.. plus it's quite costly.. Been weighing the prices of different spas..

Started thr day with site recce at the library for something exciting.. Then went for a full body massage which felt amazing! The masseuse was friendly and nice. Kept asking if I'm okay cause I kept twitching whenever she presses on my ticklish spots. It felt so good that I wanted to fall asleep!

Went for an impromptu Mani + Pedicure nearby. Didn't thought of it until the masseuse massaged my hands so yeaa I went. Picked a more neutral colour for my nails instead of my usual dark colours. Figured if I'm gonna pamper myself, I might as well do it all.. The past few days have been really bad for me so I should give myself a break!

Gonna continue my day colouring. Wanted to sit at the cafe but it's now nearing peak hours. I dont want to be around anyone.

I'm tired showing I'm okay when I'm slowly dying inside.

Unimportant.

These days have been crazy.

Nothing changed at home. I still refuse to talk to anyone. I don't see the point of talking anymore because nothing will change.

Hadi sent me a long text the other while I was out. About how I'm giving an attitude, how mum has been tearing up, how dad has been worried. But one thing tho, he didn't ask how am I. He mentioned everything about how I'm giving an attitude, not talking, ignoring everyone. Nobody asked how I'm feeling. That's how not important I am to them. I feel bad for ignoring everyone but I feel worst knowing I don't mean anything to everyone. Perhaps I've been hiding my feelings for too long.

Sadly, I feel unimportant to Love too. I guess I really am not in his priority list. If I really am, and if he really misses me then wouldn't he at least text me whenever he can, at least just to ask if I've eaten, or ask how am I doing? I can't always be staying up all night waiting for him to video call me. There's nothing much I can say or share either cause he'll be sharing about his day and either I'm too sleepy or he's rushing to hear me out. I mean, video call is one thing but that doesn't mean there's no need for texts. I hate getting blue ticks! and ignored the whole day and the excuse? He's has a tough day or busy day. If he has time to update his ig story and his last seen is always a few minutes before then he should have time to text me right? What am I to him exactly?

And whatever I say, at the end of the day, I'll be at fault. At the end of the day, I'll be the one blamed. Family, Love and work.

I'm not a robot.

Sleepless night.

Stayed up all night cause I couldn't sleep last night. My mind just won't shut down. Got hungry in the middle of the night. The last thing I had yesterday was the fishballs from Old Chang Kee. Didn't really felt like eating anything the whole day.

Continued coloring while texting with Love. There are many things I want to share with him but I hate how he takes a long time to reply even though he seems to be on Whatsapp regularly but I only keep getting blue ticks. I don't even want to check his last seen already cause it just makes me feel so down to see his last seen but I only get silence from him.

Casper texted too. Asked if I'm missing my boyfriend and whether we've been contacting. He wanted to scold Love if he didn't contact me. LOL! He even offered to pay for my flight to go over this weekend. I thought he was kidding until he told me to buy the tickets and wanted to send his credit card details!

Anyways, yes Love has been calling me these days. Video call! Even tho some were just short calls but at least I still get to see him.

speaking of which, he video called for a while before he went to bed at 5+ just now. It always makes me happy to see him. As usual, he went on about how his day was and all. Guess I don't really have to worry about him much (But face it, I can't. I'm constantly worried and always thinking about him all day).

Not sure how I'm gonna survive work today so Good Luck to me!

Are you okay?

No.

Everything is not ok.

"What's wrong with you?" Everything.

"Asal bad mood?" Would you even LISTEN if I share with you?

"Asal tak baik baik?"

Would you care if I tell you I've been crying everyday?

Would you care if I say I'm not okay?

Would you care if I say I'm hurt?

OVER-SENSITIVE. PMS.

That's all everyone says. Fine then.

I went through depression on my own before. I've always been going through everything on my own anyways. I'm always that "cheerful" girl to everyone. No one really bothers to dig deep enough that's why I'm always hiding behind my smile.

I'm tired.

😁

Love video called! 😆 It feels so good just to see him.. Was worried about how bad i looked, with red and puffy eyes, messy hair but forgot all about it as soon as I saw the incoming video call from him.. Perfect timing.. ❤

Time to get some sleep now. Goodnight!

Ohana what?

I hate it when I feel like I don't belong in this family. I feel like I'm being outcasted. Unimportant.. Come to think of it, I am unimportant to everyone around me. I'm no one's top priority anyways. Hadi is back, Alhamdulillah. But I don't feel like being home anymore. Everything's about everyone else except me.

Went out for dinner with the fam eventho I was still not feeling so good. Been coughing none stop, my throat is sore like mad and been constipated for God knows how many days. Mum knows very well that I'm not okay. She cooked ayam masak merah last night for dinner, btw.

That's the thing. When kakak is sick, she'll bring her to the clinic and cook soups, porridge, make tea, etc. When Hadi is sick, she does the same too. When Hadi woke up in the middle of the night complaining of chest pains, Mum got straight up, woke dad up and die die wanted to go A&E. The result, nothing serious. He was just coughing a lot which leads to the chest feeling uncomfortable. When I woke up in the middle of the night, complained of chest pains all she said was "pakai puff and sapu vicks" and went back to sleep. When I woke up in the middle of the night coughing my lungs out none stop, she texted "minum air suam. da sapu vicks?" A while later I heard her snoring. Never once have she brought me to the clinic when I was having asthma. I had to walk, breathless, on my own to the polyclinic.

Tonight, we went out to eat at Enak Enak. Dad's been wanting to eat siput sedut since last week. While ordering food, everyone chose a dish. I asked if we could order steam fish instead of sambal pari cause all the other dishes are spicy and my throat is really sore. The first thing she said was "huh mahal kan?" I clearly said my throat is in pain and I want something soft and warm. Fine. I gave in and told them to just order whatever. Dad prolly noticed how pissed I was so he kept asking me to choose vegetables so I can eat. But I can't only be eating vegetables obviously. But that's all I had. Cause everything else was spicy. I swear if I had brought my wallet along I'd have gone berserk and left. Mum was saying about how the steam fish is "expensive" (it was the same price as the pari btw but since Hadi wants it so they ordered that.) and when we were finishing, Hadi wanted to order Udang bakar which was $2 per piece. And we're not talking about those big tiger prawns, The prawns were skinny and small! Favourtism alert! So guess who's gonna stay away from home the next few days.

I was super pissed to the point of tearing up while eating. How full can I get eating just veggies? My protein today is already so low.

Feeling like shit right now.


I really wish I could talk to Love. He's been quiet since afternoon. As much as I want to text him, I don't want him to feel like I'm not giving him space. And I don't want to be ranting when he's so far away. But I really wish he's here now. At least that would make me feel a little better.

Video Call!

Got a surprise video call from Love! No, he haven't fly off yet. He was having his beef pie when he video called! I couldn't contain my smile. Had to call him back to cause I didnt manage to answer on time..

The call lasted for about 1/2 hour but it made me feel so good. I feel bad not sending him off at the airport but I can't. Partly because I'm really bad at goodbyes. I'll definitely start tearing up. Yesterday's goodbye was sad enough. Partly was also because Casper is there. I know Love would be uncomfortable. The video call kept me smiling. Just watching him eat his beef pie, making faces and just talking about random things for a while. I miss him already.. I'd hug him through the video call if I could..

His flight probably took off a few minutes ago.. I can't help but to keep checking the time. I'm feeling half empty already... 😔😢

He's off.

The start of watching Love through his igstory again. That's the thing about Love. When he's away, he takes forever to reply, but his igstory is always updated regularly. I may sound like one overly attached girlfriend but it makes me feel unimportant. His ig is more important. I'm the least in his list. How to not feel lonely when he's away?

I know he wants to study abroad and I can't stop him but I'll prolly need months to prepare myself for it.

I think I really have unlimited amount of tears. Macam free flow je.....

This shitty feeling all over again.

whether im okay or not it doesnt matter.. never matters anyway. Always been that way.

10 more days.

I held it in!

It's always difficult to say goodbye to Love whenever he's going away. Somehow it was more difficult this time. Maybe because he's going somewhere even further? I was trying so hard to not tear up but it got harder. My steps were getting heavier too.

I seriously need to stop being such a cry baby. He's only going for 10 days Nurul Syahirah....................  

MC.

Decided to visit the doc today. Initial plan was to just take the morning off and go to work at 9. Went to LJS at 9 instead to get porridge for work but when Love texted asking if I want to join him for breakfast, my plans changed. I was 50 50 deciding whether to go clinic or not so when Love texted I made my decision. Waited for Love and had my porridge at Starbucks while Love had his egg white wrap. It was a short breakfast date but it felt good!

Went to the clinic after and got MC till Saturday. Love asked if I took MC on purpose. I wish I did! But this cough and wheezing had been bothering me these days.. Went back to work to settle some LTP issues, Mother's day event ( which is gonna be a failure) and some other office issues.

Spent the afternoon with Love! Accompanied him to HQ cause he had to sign something then headed to CCP to find his boots and instant noodles. Yes, these days it's been about Finland Finland Finland. I've got to be honest, I'm still having mixed feelings but after the talk we had the other day, I'm still trying to let it sink in. Looking forward for 17 May already.

Wasn't feeling so good but still wanted to accompany him cause I'll feel worse if I don't. And I want to spend more time with him. 10 days! I dont want to imagine. Am planning my days while waiting for him to come back.

Had our dinner at Bagus. My appetite wasnt so good. I feel like eating a lot of things but I don't feel like eating anything. If that even makes sense. I mean, I do want to eat this and that but when it's in front of me, I don't want to eat it. We went NTUC after to get his instant noodles and he also got some tuna too. I was already feeling uneasy and breathless but I didn't want to show.

Love's been checking on me and making sure I eat and get enough rest. But I'm being stubborn, wanting to accompany him here and there instead. I can't help but be worried about him when he's there. I'd pack for him if I could.. Got to get him some hand warmers tomorrow before I meet him for more shopping!

Kakak is back from Korea today. No more being alone in my room. No more sleeping naked. 😪😧

Timehop.

This popped up while I was scrolling through Timehop. I can clearly remember what this post was about. I was still in the dating-getting to know phase with Love then. I was hoping to see him at my graduation and during that time, it was still the honeymoon period, a.k.a I still didn't know his level of romanticism. Hahahahahahhahha!

Okay anyways, this tweet was me hoping Love would be there for my graduation cause I really wanted him to. But he wasn't and I didn't see him the whole day. Even when I met Sha and Hali for  my graduation dinner. This tweet was followed by another tweet later that same day, which was about choosing training over joining us for dinner.

I figured, maybe during that time it was still all new to me. I didn't understand why he did that. But now, I understand him better already! I don't expect too much. Love surprises me some times, out of the blue, which makes me really happy. There are days when he foregoes his training just to spend time with me. Although his training is still his top priority (yes, it's training over me) but he still tries, or rather I'd say he does, spend more time with me. Pampering me with good food, yummy desserts, catching movies or just simply having coffee together.

Blessed to have Love with me!

Movie Date part 2!

Still down! Got a feeling Mr Asthma is on it's way. Been keeping me up since last night. Hate it when I start wheezing and not to mention the cough. Woke up early still cause Adlan is on MC so I was working alone this morning which means, I can not be late.

Met Love for another movie today! I feel really bad cause I'm down at the wrong timing. Went ahead with our plans still cause I know Love wants to watch Fast & Furious 8. I'm glad we did tho! Love enjoyed it too so despite feeling under the weather, it still felt good! Spent some time walking around finding things for him while waiting for my carousell buyer. Got a little angry cause Love was on the phone with someone and talking about work. But figured there was no point arguing about this so I just went ahead to look for things instead. The thing is, we are out on a date but he's still settling work. So much for no work after working hours. Anyways, it's the past.

Started feeling worse than before with my head pounding and my itchy throat was causing me to cough non-stop. I loved the day and spending my time with Love but I can't help being all weak. Wanted to accompany love for dinner but I really felt sick and didn't feel like having anything for dinner.

Fell asleep a little while just now before forcing myself up to get some food in. Been forcing myself to eat to recover faster!

Oh, I got my very first appraisal today! How do I feel about it? Great! I was looking forward for it not because I wanted to know the results but because it was my first appraisal. Kinda excited for it. The results, however, caught me by surprise. Didn't expect to get what I got but am thankful for such result. Got a lot of people to thank but let's not make this post sound like I won an Oscar or something.

It's been a while.

It's been a while since Love last sent me home. Usually, he'd send me home only after we go out for new year, apart from the times when we first started dating.. It felt good when he sent me home today.. Tho i felt bad cause it was already late and he has yet to have his dinner...

We went to catch Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 at Katong today. Made some last minute changes but thats normal. We planned to wear Krabi singlets but thos girl had to give pool walk a miss cause she wasnt feeling so good. Wanted to surprise Love and wait for him at Starbucks for our usual Tuesdays with Love but this sleepyhead slept till 1030. Felt so bad.. Wanted to spend as much time as i can with him before he flies off but I fell sick instead..

We still enjoyed the show tho. It was a good laugh. Felt worst after the movie and the bus ride made me super dizzy. Couldnt even have a nice sit down dinner with love. 

Gotta get better soonnnn!

Lost.

I shared. And all I got was silence. This is the reason why I always choose to keep quiet. I always get this kind of reply when I try to share what's on my mind. So am I supposed to share? I dont know what's on his mind when I share this way.

I don't want him to think that I don't trust him. I do. But I still have my insecurities. The last time we had this talk and he said that I don't trust him, I got hurt. I was upset when he said that but it wasn't because of trust. I am afraid. Afraid of losing him, afraid of him developing feelings for someone else.

How do I make him understand how I'm feeling?

Sleepless nights

Late nights like this, my brain refuses to shut down. I'm supposed to be asleep more than an hour ago.

So many things running through my head right now. And one of it, something that has been bothering me, is still stuck.

Love's leaving again in 2 weeks. I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of him leaving and going overseas. Selfish, I know. But the thought of him leaving to somewhere further scares me. It's for his own good, I know. I should be supporting him, I know. But still the thought of him being away scares me. He probably dont feel what I feel. He's looking forward for it while I'm not. He's the one going of course he's alright.

But what about me. I'm not alright. I still have to say I'm okay. I still have to smile like nothing's wrong. I hate the feeling of him forgetting about me when he meets other people. And Finland has many pretty girls, and im pretty sure they're smart too, the kind of girls he likes. This fear doesnt seem to go away.

Love's left me for trips with his fam and friends before. I know how it is. I hate having to watch his IG stories just to see him and see how he's doing. I hate waiting for hours just to hear from him. I'm not expecting him to only go on trips with me or 24/7 be replying me and not enjoying the trip. But he never ever call, not to mention video call (except for when he was at mt Fuji), just to chat and ask how i'm doing. I always have the urge to video call cause I miss him so much but I'm always worried about how he'd think. I dont want to be the really clingy kind of girlfriend but I hate the feeling of being alone.

The thought of having to endure another 10 days is really killing me. And not to mention how i'll prolly not have him by my side when he comes back cause everyone else is always coming after him and there's no way he's gonna say no.

This is going to be whole new episode of being alone again.

Post D&D

I realised the previous post was more on the negative. I shouldn't just be blogging about things I'm unhappy about. The main purpose of continuing this blog is to let out things that are difficult to share but that doesn't mean it should be all the negative things only right?

So anyways, back to last night's Dinner and Dance..

Everyone was dressed up in different characters! Most of the guys were in tuxedos, Man in Black, the Great Gatsby, and many more. Ladies were dressed up too. The one that stood out most was our dear Boss Cindy, who came dressed as Trolls character with her daughter! Pasir Ris team came as Harry Potter characters, there were 2 Harley Quinns (Wanted to be Harley Quinn but didn't want to spend money.. heh) and many other characters. Some cross dressed and became Snow White and Smurfette. They were hilarious! I love their confidence.

The food was served Chinese style, meaning course by course. Love and I shared the same table with Wan Ling, Adlan, Jian lun and some Kallang staffs. I didn't expect Love to take and put on my plate for me cause he's always distant when we're in a group of colleagues. He went ahead to offer some to Wan Ling too so I guess that's normal.  But he still took for me first so okla. It softened me a little after the earlier incidents. I depended on him and kept asking him to help me take the food cause the blazer I was wearing was just nice so I couldn't stretch so much. I personally enjoyed the food. Not sure if it's because I'm hungry but I thought the food were delicious. I loved the chicken and the fish. The dessert was good too. It was an Italian dessert made with cream.

Met our ex-bosses. Agnes, who dressed up as the chef in Ratatouille. Had a short quick chat with her and took some pics together. She came over to our tables just to say Hi! She's the sweetest boss ever. I loved how she always prioritize her staffs. On our way down, we bumped into Michael who was dressed in a traditional Chinese character. No wonder he kept saying it's a surprise and kept asking me to guess a few days back! I'd never be able to guess that! Bumped into Isa too on our way down. Another one in black suit.

For once, Love and I actually stayed till nearly the end of an event. We usually would go off halfway when the event gets boring but I guess we were both busy occupied with the food? Realised it was 10+ when Sha got on stage to start the dance. We went off after taking the group picture (which I don't think we would be visible in). It was a good thing we left first cause I bet it would be super crowded if we had left any later!

Both Love and I came a little later for pool walk today. D&D hangover we called it. XD