Sleepless nights

Late nights like this, my brain refuses to shut down. I'm supposed to be asleep more than an hour ago.

So many things running through my head right now. And one of it, something that has been bothering me, is still stuck.

Love's leaving again in 2 weeks. I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of him leaving and going overseas. Selfish, I know. But the thought of him leaving to somewhere further scares me. It's for his own good, I know. I should be supporting him, I know. But still the thought of him being away scares me. He probably dont feel what I feel. He's looking forward for it while I'm not. He's the one going of course he's alright.

But what about me. I'm not alright. I still have to say I'm okay. I still have to smile like nothing's wrong. I hate the feeling of him forgetting about me when he meets other people. And Finland has many pretty girls, and im pretty sure they're smart too, the kind of girls he likes. This fear doesnt seem to go away.

Love's left me for trips with his fam and friends before. I know how it is. I hate having to watch his IG stories just to see him and see how he's doing. I hate waiting for hours just to hear from him. I'm not expecting him to only go on trips with me or 24/7 be replying me and not enjoying the trip. But he never ever call, not to mention video call (except for when he was at mt Fuji), just to chat and ask how i'm doing. I always have the urge to video call cause I miss him so much but I'm always worried about how he'd think. I dont want to be the really clingy kind of girlfriend but I hate the feeling of being alone.

The thought of having to endure another 10 days is really killing me. And not to mention how i'll prolly not have him by my side when he comes back cause everyone else is always coming after him and there's no way he's gonna say no.

This is going to be whole new episode of being alone again.