Finland.

I don't even know how to start this blog.

It's been in my drafts for a month now.

Love will be coming back in a few days, 3 days to be exact. Then he'll be leaving again, for Finland.

It feels like I'm dating a pilot. Jakarta, Japan and now Finland. I'm happy that he was chosen to go Finland for the course but it's a mixed feeling. I can foresee how the management is going to make use of him when he comes back. That's besides the point.

I'm not jealous that he gets to go. Seeing him getting chosen and recognize for things he is good at makes me happy and proud as his girlfriend.

Its the insecurity that makes me have this feeling. Love's not one who expresses his feelings freely. That means I get minimal to zero reassurance. He doesn't let people know he's attached. There is, again, minimal to none clues that I'm his girlfriend on his social media. Tbh, it makes me upset. like he's trying to show people he's single. I mean, he still has his exes pictures on his social media. Why can't he post something sweet once in a while about me? I know he's not comfortable because we're working in the same office but this is personal life. Social media is personal. Why can't he freely express his feelings?

I always feel empty and lost when he's overseas. He seldom texts and never calls. No matter how much I miss him, all I can do is text and say "I miss you" that's all.

I am scared. If I were voice whatever that is on my mind, the issue on trust will come up again. He'll think I don't trust him. Fact is, I do. I wouldn't be with him if I don't. But it is this fear, one he would probably not understand, that is making me this way. 

The thought of not having him with me , and worst, not being able to contact him for more than a day. The feeling I've been having since the day he shared about this trip. I don't even know how to describe it. 

This is suffocating.