Atok,
  Yaya pass Year 1 Yaya. Atok mesti suka kan? Yaya da habis da year 1. Lagi 2 weeks yaya start Year 2. Skejap je seh. haha. G.P.A yaya tak bagus sangat tapi yang penting yaya habis setahun kan? Kalau atok ade  kat sini... agak agak ape atok cakap? Mesti atok bilang yaya " bagus tu, girl kena belajar rajin rajin. kesian bapak kerja siang malam carik duit. nanti girl da habis skola da boleh dapat kerja bagus boleh tolong bapak pulak," Yaya  boleh imagine atok cakap gitu.

I Love You Atok! Take Care. Baik Baik kat sana! Yaya Rindu Atok! <3 p="">

Thankful, for you.

The past few weeks, months have not been easy. Everyone's still coping and trying to move on. Nenek's been quiet while Wak Mah has been trying to keep the mood up. Bibik's been a great companion too, to nenek at least. If only everyone would stop talking bad about her.

K's been by me throughout. I went back to school on the Monday after Atok's passing despite everyone asking me to take compassionate leave cause I didn't get much sleep. Everyone was giving condolences and asking if I'm alright and stuff, except K. 

He doesn't say a single word about the passing. He did, though, doodle sweet, comforting words, drawings in my phone and tries to distract me whenever I'm lost in my thoughts. Until today. We had a deep conversation over dinner. About losing someone dear. He didn't want to bring it up earlier cause he knew how I was feeling and didn't want to make me feel more sad. Sharing and talking with him made me feel better, after keeping all in. (I teared, I admit) And of course, his jokes liven up the mood a little.

"Truth is, it never feels alright losing a loved one."

The pain. Who feels? Me. So what do other people care. Just shooting words from their mouth. What do they care? They are not the one who's sick anyway. Chest pains. Back pains. Who feel? Me. Of course it's easy for them to say what they want. But please ah. Think of the one who's feeling the pain. It's not ngada ngada. But when i say i cannot do it means i cannot. Stop forcing me. Walking to school is the worst ever. With the smokers and all. They dont feel it but im the one who cannot breathe.

So how do i tell mum im having chest pains? Been feeling breathless these few days and i hate when i go to the clinic n they say oh not asthma. bloody hell! Then why am i feeling breathless idiot? Shouldnt u like at least be nice and tell me why im feeling breathless?!

Im scared to tell mum abt my chest pains cause i dowan to be troublesome to her. If i tell dad then he will get worried. If i tell abt the clinic thing then if they send me go hospital how? Ok one thing is im scared to go to the hospital. But tts nt the important part. I dowan to go to the hospital cause it will mean more money spent. Not to say we're poor or cannot afford but i know how dad sometimes need money too. And i feel bad even for going to the clinic twice what more the hospital?

Funny how i still feel like atok is around here somewhere.
And i still keep thinking about the dream. Atok's smile. Something i miss alot. (':

The reason why i like this side of the family more than the other side is the people here. No matter how serious the situation is or how tense the situation is the aunts and uncles and even nenek will somehow put a smile on our faces.
We have the aunt who will listen to everything but later she will say "ahh tak paham aku bende bende ni semua", the aunt who will sit quietly and smile at jokes, the uncle and aunt who will start joking, the aunt who will say/do funny but scarstic things, the uncle who will step know it all, the aunt who will go off topic, then we have dad who will conclude everything up by saying "da da habes da. Tkmo nak ckp2 lagi dah" and lastly we have nenek who will quietly say what she has in mind that she was not suppose to say out. (:

'cause i keep waiting for someone who will never be mine.