4 more months. Hang in there, dear self.

I should have just kept my mouth shut. Let the feeling go. Pretend like I always do.

But we talked about it. We talked about sharing everything.

Everytime I share and be honest, I'll be at fault. Why do I have to be guilty every time I share?

Why does it always have to be my fault when I share? Why do I have to be treated like I cheated in this relationship just because I shared late? Why do I have to be blamed for being comfortable showing who I am and how I'm feeling to someone I love? Why does it become a mistake when I don't pretend in front of the one I love? Am i supposed to pretend when I'm with you too?

The news about aunt's condition came at the wrong time. My eyes has been like a broken tap the whole morning yesterday. Was trying to hold it all in at work. Then Older Aunt called, crying. My heart sank and tears just wouldn't stop flowing. Went straight to aunt's house and as soon as I saw her, I knew I needed Love at that very moment.

Been getting half-hearted replies since then. I need my Love back, the one who'd hug and kiss me till I feel better, the one who would keep telling me it's gonna be alright. I really need you right now.

I'm pulling away this time. Not because my feelings changed. But because I have to take care of my own heart. Cause if I don't, no one else will. I'll break. From the inside.

I tried to help but it turned into a mistake made instead. Guess it wasn't needed in the first place.

I changed. There'd be a reason if I did.

Guess I'm no longer important  now that you have everyone.

It's suffocating to not be able to talk to you but this time, I have to think of myself first.

I'm hurt. Just like how you're aching everywhere and it's affecting your training, I'm aching too. My heart, and it's affecting me.

Love is back!

Love is back today! I kept thinking he'll be back on Thursday cause I remembered seeing Thursday somewhere.

I don't know if it was because I was feeling upset but I didn't feel like fetching him. Asked him last night if he wants me to fetch and he said no so I thought of not fetching. Then he texted and asked if I wanted to have coffee together cause he's not planning to go out on Thursday. I thought of just meeting him on Friday instead but I missed him a lot. He didn't tell me the flight details so I had to check everything myself. Left the office at 4 thinking his flight will land at 4.40pm but they landed slightly earlier so I ended up taking the cab cause I don't want to be late. I got more upset when Love didn't tell me he landed. Had to depend on the app and Casper texted when they've landed. He asked if I'm coming to fetch and if I am, I should be on my way soon cause they're at the customs.

As much as I wanted to tell Love off, but I didn't want to start as soon as he comes back. I feel bad cause I think my face shows I'm unhappy and it was awkward. He didn't introduce me to his friends so I felt even more awkward. Didn't want to look like I'm unfriendly but I was seriously feeling awkward, like "should i go introduce myself?" "do i say hi?" "do they know I'm his girlfriend?". Stood further away instead of near the customs exit while waiting for Love cause I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable.

Had "tea break" at Starbucks. It's been a while. He got over excited talking about his trip but it felt good to have him sitting in front of me again. <3 3="" p="">

Pamper Me session.

Off Day today. Decided to have a little pampering session by myself for myself.

Wanted to go to the Onsen place at Kallang but I can't cause it's that month.. plus it's quite costly.. Been weighing the prices of different spas..

Started thr day with site recce at the library for something exciting.. Then went for a full body massage which felt amazing! The masseuse was friendly and nice. Kept asking if I'm okay cause I kept twitching whenever she presses on my ticklish spots. It felt so good that I wanted to fall asleep!

Went for an impromptu Mani + Pedicure nearby. Didn't thought of it until the masseuse massaged my hands so yeaa I went. Picked a more neutral colour for my nails instead of my usual dark colours. Figured if I'm gonna pamper myself, I might as well do it all.. The past few days have been really bad for me so I should give myself a break!

Gonna continue my day colouring. Wanted to sit at the cafe but it's now nearing peak hours. I dont want to be around anyone.

I'm tired showing I'm okay when I'm slowly dying inside.

Unimportant.

These days have been crazy.

Nothing changed at home. I still refuse to talk to anyone. I don't see the point of talking anymore because nothing will change.

Hadi sent me a long text the other while I was out. About how I'm giving an attitude, how mum has been tearing up, how dad has been worried. But one thing tho, he didn't ask how am I. He mentioned everything about how I'm giving an attitude, not talking, ignoring everyone. Nobody asked how I'm feeling. That's how not important I am to them. I feel bad for ignoring everyone but I feel worst knowing I don't mean anything to everyone. Perhaps I've been hiding my feelings for too long.

Sadly, I feel unimportant to Love too. I guess I really am not in his priority list. If I really am, and if he really misses me then wouldn't he at least text me whenever he can, at least just to ask if I've eaten, or ask how am I doing? I can't always be staying up all night waiting for him to video call me. There's nothing much I can say or share either cause he'll be sharing about his day and either I'm too sleepy or he's rushing to hear me out. I mean, video call is one thing but that doesn't mean there's no need for texts. I hate getting blue ticks! and ignored the whole day and the excuse? He's has a tough day or busy day. If he has time to update his ig story and his last seen is always a few minutes before then he should have time to text me right? What am I to him exactly?

And whatever I say, at the end of the day, I'll be at fault. At the end of the day, I'll be the one blamed. Family, Love and work.

I'm not a robot.

Sleepless night.

Stayed up all night cause I couldn't sleep last night. My mind just won't shut down. Got hungry in the middle of the night. The last thing I had yesterday was the fishballs from Old Chang Kee. Didn't really felt like eating anything the whole day.

Continued coloring while texting with Love. There are many things I want to share with him but I hate how he takes a long time to reply even though he seems to be on Whatsapp regularly but I only keep getting blue ticks. I don't even want to check his last seen already cause it just makes me feel so down to see his last seen but I only get silence from him.

Casper texted too. Asked if I'm missing my boyfriend and whether we've been contacting. He wanted to scold Love if he didn't contact me. LOL! He even offered to pay for my flight to go over this weekend. I thought he was kidding until he told me to buy the tickets and wanted to send his credit card details!

Anyways, yes Love has been calling me these days. Video call! Even tho some were just short calls but at least I still get to see him.

speaking of which, he video called for a while before he went to bed at 5+ just now. It always makes me happy to see him. As usual, he went on about how his day was and all. Guess I don't really have to worry about him much (But face it, I can't. I'm constantly worried and always thinking about him all day).

Not sure how I'm gonna survive work today so Good Luck to me!